The Longside Reference

SWANNY

A reader review
     Let me say immediately that I enjoyed this book. I looked at it on the shelf in Smiths and thought shall I or shan’t I - £17.99 is a lot to shell out for a football book and the average footballers’ book is not worth the paper it is written on. But then I looked inside and saw there were two chapters on Swanny’s time at BFC and in between them a chapter about his time at Bury with Stan. OK then, I’d better buy it then I decided. After all this guy wasn’t at Burnley all that long but in the short sessions he had at the club he assumed cult hero status. We could argue long and hard about what ‘it’ is that makes a cult hero. In fact sometimes I think the ‘it’ is impossible to define, but whatever it is, some players have it and some players don’t. In terms of football skill some pretty average players have assumed cult status – Branchie anyone?

     Shakespeare this book ain’t; you know that from the front cover sub title – ‘Confessions of a Lower League legend’. Then there’s the sub-sub-title: ‘There weren’t many Ferraris and leggy blondes around in my day. All I got for 500 games as a pro was a few quid and a dodgy knee’. It could have been penned by Tony Livesey but in fact it’s a guy called Andrew Collomosse. The picture of Swanny on the cover makes him look like the Incredible Hulk. 

     It reminds me in many ways of Stan’s book. It’s an aggressive, in-yer-face book although not quite as outrageous. It’s liberally sprinkled with the f*** word. It’s the same publisher, the same rough re-cycled paper, the similar style, and of course the tales of head-butting and confrontation. Swanny’s story is one of ‘nights on the piss’ as he puts it, playing through the pain barrier, suppositories, footballer pranks (moving cars round in the car park and hiding them is a favourite – wow); what happens when you nick someone’s glass eye, and three years aggravating Port Vale manager John Rudge. A favourite tale is how he once nailed someone’ shoes to the dressing room ceiling. Alas the chap whose shoes they were was only the guy who cleaned and washed all their cars for the players. A contrite Swanny bought him new clothes and new shoes when he discovered how upset he was. There’s a chapter called ‘Farts and All’. Another chapter is devoted to what happens when two footballers drive a hearse around town for fun. It reminded me of the time I collected a skeleton for school from the Museum Service and drove through Leeds with it sitting on the front seat of the car with a scarf round its neck. The reactions and stares from people in buses and crossing the road were utterly brilliant.

     Meanwhile back at home is the long suffering and dutiful wife who puts up with all his antics and nights in the pub, she props him up and he is of course forever grateful; especially today when he knows how lucky he is. After a career of signing on fees never paid in full, dodgy knees, altercations, injuries, constant moves, and the possibility of ending up a cripple, today he is a happy man.

     Swanny’s story starts in Leeds and Leeds United. He learned all the dirty tricks of the trade from old pros like Charlton, Hunter and Jordan. On a youth tour to Italy he had to miss games because of a niggling back injury. As the Pope one day processed in front of the crowds, he was able to shake hands with him.  Slowly his back healed. Is that spooky or what? His philosophy is that you play for money not trophies. Trophies don’t pay for the mortgage. The search for money led him unexpectedly to Plymouth. They were unhappy times there. Chapter 14, ‘I’m an Alien’ is about being a total outcast at Plymouth and from there he comes up to Burnley. Before the move though he learned that there are indeed such things as poltergeists in the house he had in Plymouth. If a big man like Swanny comes to believe in them, who am I to argue. No end of strange unexplained things happen in the house and much later he learns that a young girl had once died in the house. (My neighbour swears too that strange things happen in her house, objects move and doors close). On top of all this he is unpopular at Plymouth, receives abusive mail, is ostracised by a number of other players and all in all has a nightmare time – and that’s before you even mention the haunted house he lives in.    

      It’s Stan Ternent who comes in for him after various other sojourns. “Stan Ternent was up front, in your face. He knew exactly what he wanted and anyone who didn’t buy into it found himself on the outside looking in.”  Swanny loves Stan, and Stan must have liked him too, signing him for both Bury and Burnley. Quite simply Swanny thinks he’s the best manager he ever played for. It’s Jimmy Mullen who brings him to Burnley from Plymouth, and it’s because of Adrian Heath that he leaves. Ternent takes him to Bury and when he moves to Burnley soon takes Swanny with him. Injury finishes him at Burnley but not before he spends a month with Ian Wright and he and Ronnie Jepson are the ones who clean his boots for him.

     This book is about a lower league player, and is a lower-league book, if you know what I mean. But at least it is based on a full and gritty, eventful career, unlike the pap and drivel that comes from the likes of Rooney, Ferdinand and Cole. There’s even an Owen Hargreaves book on the shelves at the moment and if anyone can tell me what he has achieved please get in touch. 

     At least Peter Swan has played 500 games, been around the block a few times, played for our beloved Burnley, has a fund of funny tales to tell – and now he travels the length and breadth of the country co-commentating on Hull City games, and contributing to the local paper. Unlike David Beckham he never experienced glamour or huge riches, but he’s still grateful for what football has done for him and how good life now is building houses.

     This is no literary masterpiece. It’s just an entertaining read. My one tip though is to wait for the paperback and if it’s on the shelves in Waterstone’s at the airport in the summer and it’s three for the price of two; do grab a copy. While I read it there was the news that Stan was leaving Huddersfield along with all his staff and Andrew Watson. On the Yorkshire local news the Huddersfield chairman was interviewed and said something (if I heard it right) to the effect that even had they been ten points clear at the top Stan would still have had to go. Read into that what you will. If Stan needs cheering up, he would do worse than to read Swanny’s book and enjoy all the compliments that he heaps upon him. 

Dave Thomas November 2008